Forever Firsts when parenting after loss

I have had some ‘first’ moment things coming up for me a lot lately. With clients, within the Blossums community and also personally.

It has drawn me in and I have found myself musing upon it. In our baby loss world 'firsts' are a complex area whether you have living children or not. It is emotion fueled and is a driver of thought processes and feelings when we can sometimes least expect it.

The thing about ‘firsts’ after baby loss is that they never actually end. They just transcend from being first anniversaries of events into firsts that will never actually happen. From what should be their 1st birthday to never having a first day of school. No first word, first smile, first love, no first soccer game, no first Christmas. A lifetime of “Never a first” things with their siblings.

I do have to say, I no longer dwell on these as much as I once did. I have worked hard on my resilience to these ‘should have, would have, could have’ moments. My thoughts are always drawn to the first that should have been though. It is automatic, out of my control. It is just the observation of a loving mother who wished the world for her son, momentarily wishing for him to be in it again. It may be fleeting enough to cause a slight butterfly feeling in my tummy, with a twinge of the heart. Some are enough to make me catch my breath.

Then there are the ones that stop me in my tracks. Those are the ones I try to focus on, that I will make time to feel all the feels with. Release the pain however I need to. I cry, sob or I might scream into a pillow with anger. But I choose in those moments to let the emotion move through and complete that stress cycle so it’s no longer stuck, goodness knows there’s enough I still need to move.

Surprisingly, lately, I’ve found myself noticing the last firsts of my living children vs the firsts in general.

Choosing to finish having babies you then end up with this dilemma. It was a fairly easy decision for me with little hesitation as my pregnancies were anxiety ridden, stressful, very emotional, very challenging times and that was just mentally.

So now I find myself witnessing the last of my littlest babies firsts. I know this is a testament to life as a parent, that they ‘made it’ to these firsts, we got them there. It does come with a sense of melancholy - I don’t know if that’s the right word but it's an ocean of many emotions - a wave of sadness, swell of pride, snap of heartbreak, glimmer of love, crash of grief, shining of happiness and a tide of farewell towards the little boys that have just moved forward. In this life, on earth, beside me. My SONShines.

So here I am - No more first days of daycare, first smiles, first day at the beach, first haircuts, first words (or in Mr 5’s case - the first billionth word).

But no matter what we achieve in life and the happiness we seek as a family, it still remains a life forever and always filled with the firsts of everything, without Edward.